The grief of what will not be or could be.

The last few weeks have been rough on me. I have had these expectations or ideas in my head of “how it will be” and it all has been falling apart. I have an attachment problem (according to Buddha). I have attached my feelings to these outcomes because I desperately want to believe that the outcomes will benefit my oldest child.

My sweet boy is struggling. As a mother, it’s killing me.

If you have read my previous blogs, you will understand that mental health issues run in his gene pool. He is struggling in school, wants to drop out, and just work. He is willing to sacrifice his senior year football year, his Varsity year so he doesn’t have to turn in his homework. He’s overwhelmed. I get it. I also understand it happened due to his choice to not do the work (which I’ve been trying to explain to him).

I came to the realization that my biggest fear isn’t him finishing school, or playing varsity, it’s losing him. What if he regrets these decisions and feels that life is too hard and ends it? What if he can’t stop living in the past (school has really sucked for this kid) and ends his life? What if I lose him?

As I type this I am crying, pouring down the tears. I am so scared and so worried that I didn’t or I’m not doing something right to help him. I express to him how much I need him HERE on earth (he’s struggled with suicidal ideation in the past), I’ve taken him to counselors who ended up befriending him instead of getting him to work on his core issues, and we are going to the doctor tomorrow to get on medication (since he didn’t think the herbal supplement worked). I constantly ask him questions about his mental health and what he is doing to help himself. Reminding him that he has choices to either wallow in your filth or ask for help (saying from experience not from judgment).

I had to pray a lot these past few weeks. I know that I cannot control my son and his illogical ideas (he said he can go to college without graduation? Where did he find that BS story? or I can go to college and just do the classes I want to do….seriously I wish that was true!). I, as a friend put it, gave it to God. I imagined putting on these worries in a pretty white box and tieing a ribbon on it and giving it to God. I wrote in my journal, again writing all my worries and drawing a box with a ribbon and bow and saying “I give this to you, God”.

Whatever plan God and my son have, I don’t have control but what I do have control over is how much I express my expectations that he finish his homework in the next 4 weeks before school ends. What I do have control over is how much I show him that I care deeply about him and his happiness. What I do have control over is my encouragement to him to not live a life with regrets.

My hope is that I will stop anticipating his loss because I know that I have shown him that he is needed HERE on this Earth. My hope is that I will continue to support him in whatever decision he makes and not take it as I “didn’t do enough to push him”; we all know that it doesn’t work for kids that are hard headed. My hope is that I will be kind to myself through this tumultuous time for my sweet boy who is trying to find his way in the world.

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